I'm quite sure most people would say they don't like problems in their relationships, and some may avoid them at all costs, even to the point of deterioration. I completely identified with this when I was dating. In a dating relationship, problems produced much mental processing mixed with angst and worry. This was because the problem consisted not only of itself, but raised larger questions of whether the relationship should continue or whether this issue was big enough to end the relationship entirely. Making a decision as big as "Do I stick with this person or do I venture out again in the hope of finding something better?" involves negotiations between the head and the heart that can be intense enough to induce headaches. It's a very difficult decision, and decisions are inherently tough on our minds because we spend so much time trying to work them out, considering all options, weighing the various outcomes and repercussions. So, the toll that a relationship crisis takes on a person and the relationship turns out to be much bigger than just the crisis itself. Even the hint of a problem induces a sense of foreboding because we don't like being in that state of having to figure out what we should ultimately do.
Marriage changes all of this. If Cindy and I have a conflict, I don't have to spend any mental energy considering whether this conflict is a relationship breaker. My brain never hurts from the intense speculation of whether my life would be better without her, and considering having to start over again in the next relationship.
In marriage, the issue is vastly simpler and the process much more straight forward. It involves just a few things:
- Why is Cindy upset and/or why am I upset?
- What is the root emotion that underlies the tension of the present moment?
- What needs to be communicated to address this emotional injury?
Of course there is more involved in conflict resolution, but the point is it's all focused around the problem itself.
Resolving marital conflict is still not trivial, but it's infinitely better than also trying to decide the fate of the relationship. And because you are sure the relationship will survive the conflict, you are also assured the relationship will be stronger because of it; for every resolved conflict is a step closer to truly knowing the other person and sharing greater intimacy.
As a result, I no longer fear a crisis in my relationship like I used to; in fact, I almost look forward to them as I know they will produce good fruit in my marriage!
How's that for a paradigm shift?!
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