It’s astounding when I pause and recall that God has worked in my life in a very personal and active way. Who am I that the creator of the universe should even consider my situation? But I know that if God didn’t get involved, I would certainly now feel that life is a mostly lonely, disappointing and dangerous experience.
God blessed me by bringing me into a family that trusted in Jesus Christ. What I observed most growing up was that my parents were big on service to others. I learned that the church was where you labored in love to serve in some capacity. Fulfilling the mission of the church meant tithing my allowance, always going to youth group, singing in the youth choir, and mowing the pastor’s lawn for free. It was a warm and comfortable place to be, and I felt like I belonged, but the message of the gospel was a bit lost on me until the summer before 8th grade.
When I was 14, I attended a summer camp where the counselors and camp directors were filled with something that was entirely new to me. Although I’d spoken to Jesus in prayer many times, I’d never considered asking Christ to take up residence in me, to be my savior, rescuer and redeemer. During that week, I decided for the first time that although I already had a relationship with God, I needed to declare for myself that my sins made me unfit to call on my God, except by accepting the sacrifice of Jesus’ life in exchange for mine.
It was a quiet moment with no fanfare, and yet I knew something profound had happened.
I continued to grow, excelling in some things while concealing shameful parts of myself from everyone around me. Putting on the good Christian face became such a natural act, that I eventually believed that what I had was as good as the Christian life could get. I seemed to be respected among many people, but life was burdensome, and I was always afraid of my darker side being found out.
I had no idea there was such a freedom in being authentic with myself, with God, and even with others. I had failed to internalize that accepting Christ as my savior meant he removed from me the stain of my sinful nature, removing also my shame as my story was not so different from anyone else’s. Resting on the grace of God meant there was no longer anything to hide, there was no longer any game to try to play and win.
I started to come to an understanding of these truths after college. In my 20’s and early 30’s, I endured a long, drawn-out battle with depression during which I finally gave up hope of trying to look good and appear as if I had it all together. It’s now clear to me that it was actually God’s great wisdom and even mercy that planned for me to walk through some of those very dark valleys, for the freedom and joy I finally came to experience from giving up my quest to be “a good Christian” is worth far more than all the difficulties and trials I faced.
Without those trials, I would not have learned that most important lesson, that my greatest efforts produce only disappointment, but that trust in the Lord and his sovereign ways frees me to live the way God always intended. Without the burden of trying to earn my worth, importance or righteousness, I can enjoy all that life has to offer, and more freely offer myself to others, whether in service or in simply being a friend along the journey.
For Cindy's testimony, visit our .Mac website at http://web.mac.com/cindylyle.
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